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Airline Passenger IQ Test

Author: Bill Barnett. Category: News Column - Phuket Gazette. Posted: 29th Mar 2014

Standing in what, for just a moment, could have been termed a line which suddenly shifted into a frenzied rugby scrum, I take a moment to ponder the joys of travel on budget airlines (not).

Yes, today everyone can now afford to fly, well, except for the really poor people, but my thought is, should they be allowed to? What I am essentially proposing is a qualification system, or question and answer sheet, that could weed out a good portion of those really annoying folks who tend to flock to low-cost airline carriers like brain damaged simpleton sheep.

In fact, I've even come up with a short fire "what is/are?" questionnaire, which I've taken the liberty of providing an answer key to as well, that goes something like this: Numbers - a system for assigning seats to passengers, which mean nothing to most of those who fly budget airlines as either they are unable to read or else have single digit IQ's which have rendered them illiterate.

Fifty Years - The collective age of the four flight attendants on your airplane today who you entrust with your life and safety.This is also the same period of time it takes you to check in for a budget airline flight.

Leg Room Dimensions - Less than zero, be prepared to get up close and personal with your knees, as they are jammed into your face for the next two hours.

Turn Left - this traditionally has meant boarding the plane and finding a business class seat. Now it will either lead you directly into the loo and finding a garbage bag of trash stashed into the small space, or meeting Boris your pilot from Slovakia, or was that Slovenia? Backpacks - large mummy like objects meant to thrust into other passengers' faces as they run the gauntlet, or else do the inevitable 180-degree turn, hence, coining the term "slap shot".

Deodorant - seemingly an unfamiliar personal hygiene item for over half your fellow passengers, which leaves you gasping for air as they aimlessly wander down the plane's aisles.

Elbows - no there is not an octopus seated on either side of you, but the commencement of the inflight entertainment game known as "elbow wars."

Complaints - an alien term to budget carriers who do not list voice numbers to call, nor respond to email messages or offer any form of human contact whenever problems arise. There is a reason the flight is so cheap, as customer service has been fully eliminated. Change of Travel Plans - you must be joking, the only option is to buy another ticket or else face a very long walk home, or swim.

Encounters of the Third Kind - why does the seat pocket in front of you contain a banana peel wrapped in a boarding pass from three weeks ago? Because the airline expects your teenage cabin crew to clean up passenger trash, and they aren't really into that part of the job.

Line - a mythical phenomenon not dissimilar to Atlantis or the Holy Grail. You seldom see these at budget airlines. When they call your flight, get ready to rumble.

In Flight Entertainment - a time consuming game involving systematically kneeing the passenger in front of you, who reclined their seat straight into your nose.

Delayed Flight - expect lots of these, given the Rain Man aptitude of those on your flight, it remains a miracle they can even find the airport, much less the plane.

Food - if anyone can help explain why they offer three types of stew, please email me.

anything else you might possibly want to buy is out of stock or else that blank stare and the verbal command, "no have." This is another form of inflight entertainment, and after five tries you need to return to kneeing the passenger in front of you.

Bus - expect to ride this to your plane as most budget carriers can't afford the cost of an airbridge. Actually, most budget passengers find this a familiar mode of transportation along with riding donkeys, water buffalo and the odd goat or two.

Jackpot - this is a term the airline applies to every passenger who they catch with even a fraction of a kilo overweight and extract any remaining money you might have. If they could take your blood, they would (I'm sorry to have listed this, as it might give them an idea).

So that's it, a pretty damned good start to weed out the riff-raff which we all find so annoying.

Indeed, in the wide world of "Now Everyone Can Fly", from my point of view, a large percentage of these folks need to take a "staycation" instead.

Talk to C9 today and fınd out how we can help you.

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