Head Banging Real Estate
Did you ever wonder what manner of real estate broker Ozzy Osborne would be? Yes, it's quizzically interesting to imagine the Black Sabbath frontman handing out business cards with his picture on them, or even biting the head off a bat just to seal a deal.
The marriage of a rock 'n' roller and the property industry just might be too arcane for the mainstream. Real estate is typically a plaid affair where the straight and narrow lines of normal are the path most often travelled. Look at the name games of endless boredom in the categories – apartment, condo, split-level, duplex, semi-attached, attached, detached, lots, townhouse, and penthouse. My inner dark side conjures up these mindless classifications as some sort of code – be it the Di Vinci or a brazen escort over on Craigslist who offers any and every type of carnal pleasure.
Rock and roll in the old days had to be better, when you would head to Tower Records and troll the bins – heavy metal, punk, glitter, new wave, thrash, southern rock, progressive, soul, rockabilly, grunge, country and western. The list went on and on, but in the real estate industry hit a wall headfirst, blown up with airbags and a lobotomy.
Where is the imagination? It's no longer just "1,000 things to do before you die", but more likely "10,000 ways to include the term luxury" – be it 6 stars, bespoke, mega, ultra, sophisticated, chic, upscale, trendy, hip, or my own favourite, affordable luxury. Whoever coined the last one needs to be banished to a lifetime of Michael Bolton concerts.
Indeed, property today has become so "pimped" that it can't even say, "who's your daddy"? (Its real dad went down to the 7Eleven for a diet coke late one night in 2003 and never came back.) These days, even Trump doesn't actually stand for truly inventive property – he's down at the bank cashing his latest royalty check for some astonishing property aimed at aspirational buyers which he has never even laid his eyes on.
Can Ozzy help us solve our malaise? Probably not, but perhaps six months on the road, mounting up some serious addictions and in the end, getting into AA may be the answer. I hear it's a great place to network and do business deals. It is hard to hear the heavy metal thunder from up on the top floor, unless that is, the after hours party went straight up to the top.
To be concise, what I am proposing is not sheer madness. Yes, Tower Records is no longer with us, and the ghost of Cobain is fading. But sometimes late at night, when the wind outside my bedroom whistles I flick up the iTunes and turn it way up loud with Ozzy's Crazy Train.
As for Ozzy making it to a 9:00 am client meeting, we'd probably have to shelve the entire day, but be very certain of one thing, he is not out shopping for s semi-detached townhouse which is termed affordable luxury. Unless said property is a neverworld portal to an imaginary underworld where Michael Bolton and Donald Trump are singing a duet.